Take me to church

Croxt:

I have always wanted to be happy. Excited for life in the only way true love could offer. So it's late and confusingly calm this chilly Saturday night, almost morning, still restless in bed. Mine is half the King-size I deserve but the crown seldom fits the head before it's carrier is ready. From my bed I hear the church bells ring and the hymns in my head can't stop but keep going. The harmony in things myself I do not understand, how all would blend in together with such ease. But we are all children of our destinies and as I looked up to the stars tonight, I saw all your faces among them. Glittering from a distance. My eyes are almost blinded and my dreams are just that, my dreams. Mine. And so are the sins, smeared haphazardly across my past. So I sing tonight as the heavens open. We are vulnerable ourselves to the largest extent. Larger than any other. The animals have it better. Ours is more than body, ours is defeating. We are born to be everything, I've thought before. Because, why not? Yet the clean paths are devoid of things that might trip us but the other side looks more turnt. So I've braved the cold nights and sung some sad songs. The golden gates are pearly and the shadows have risen beyond reason. It's when you know you're about to lose something you really value that you fight to protect it. That kind of girl is all well dressed up in all the extremes possible. She's beautiful and well-mannered, if those still exist. She spreads positivity and braves faith but to be honest, I've been out of the loop for a really long time to know. We forget too soon even if 2000 years are a long way past. I can imagine myself walking up the staircase that leads to your large wooden doors. Your doors are always open and you'll usher me in with an embrace & a "Nice to see you! Welcome back to the house of your father." Step by step, the hallway between the rows will lead me to the cross. I will walk past the congregation. Each with their own battles to fight. Mine with mine as well. But to be a sheep you need to know when to flock and when to hold the mantle when you're ready to teach. It's the thing with growth. You stay in one place for far too long, you stop growing if you stop challenging yourself. The change you want to see in the world, hidden in your heart, has only one voice. That is yours. To speak and to fight when you have to. The orchards of the garden smell beautiful tonight and am surprised the price we have to pay to get the prize has already been paid. So when we are okay in the sun, let's never forget. It's things we take for granted that come back to consume us. Let's be grateful for all and it's like you're reading my mind; the morning is here and I'm yet to even catch some sleep. I plan to set my alarm early just ao I can be ready when you knock the door tomorning to take me to church.

Take me to church, I'm dressed up

Take me to church, I'm messed up.

Take me to church, my sins are many

Take me to church, I'm done escaping.

Take me to church today

Take me to church tomorrow

Take me to church every day,

I wanna pray.

*tomorning - Tomorrow morning

Intoxicated Swimming Pools #2

Croxt:

Swimming pools and sinking dishes. Washing thoughts and dirty laundry and dirty socks and dirty children. Play a game with my mind; a puzzle of infinite waters and a complicated maze of endless rhetorics. I can see beyond the eye can see. I look deeper and once you've defeated the fear of sinking, you dive deeper. I stay afloat now, row my boat with confidence. Buoyancy. I'm heading North West according to my compass and it's where I've always intended to go. I've met a lot of boats on my way.. some too fancy and others needing help in supplies. All boats are different and the motive sometimes, different as well. I've seen people on boats desperately seeking the shore. Impatient boats. I've seen people on boats never wanting to leave. How much do you need to? So some of these boats look like they are floating but they are actually sinking from within. & the bigger the boat, the larger the loss. So keep your hands reaching out for the waters infront of you and push them back. Kick-splash your way to the finish line and never stop midway to rest. Practice till you no longer need to. Learn how to breathe above water even when in motion. If it's anything you need in this world, know how to access it the easiest way possible. And don't be so dependent on it after you get it because then you will never fully immerse yourself back into the depths. Have and take what you need, there's always enough for everyone. Don't be greedy. Be selfless, one with the waters. The blue waters will respect how you treat them and you will find favour in their tides. They will sing your name and caress your tired limbs. Push and pull harder sometimes, you'll get there faster. Learn and learn always. Learn how to be better. Learn how to stand even in the bottomless oceans. Learn how to get there and from there to your destination, even if you're still just here with me, practicing in an intoxicated swimming pool. 

Gimme Life, Gimme Favour

Croxt:

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. So he sat on the fancy streetchairs a few steps away from the bar he lodged in tonight. He stepped outside away from the loud music and lit a cigarette to listen to his own music. He needed that sense of calm right now. He wanted to ease his mind. He must have pushed his foot a little bit in further. When girls would look at him, they would tell him they love him and most were sure they did not even know why. Charm. I could swear sometimes it feels bless to just listen to the happenings of your heart. Mine is jolly. It's beautiful. I hear we create our own paradises but I'm never too quick to believe these things. But the fountains of water dig deeper where they fall. That's how you know your worth. Assess yourself and spend money with a sober mind. If it is to be really happy you want, it doesn't really matter ;) I'll ask for a million things from you and in all that, I'll compress them all into two and ask you to: 1. Gimme life, 2. Gimme favour.

It's all I ever desired.

Intoxicated Swimming Pools

Croxt:

How swimming pools are painted different shades of either blue or green, gives me a tingly feel, kinda nostalgic, of the vast blue waters of the Indian Ocean. I am enclosed in between four walls of an intoxicated swimming pool. The waters can choke and the temperatures are different. It's the thing with new territories, we are confused at what to expect and we stay far or choose to dive into our problems as soon as they appear head-first. But of course you do not dive into situations you can't swim your way in and the good Lord knows it'll sure as hell be as frightening if someone else pushed you into them. So you need to be ready. You need to keep awake. The most ready are usually the most prepared. You first touch the waters with your hands, almost, with a scoop. A feel of the temperatures. Then you sit at the edge of one of the sides and gently immerse then play with the intoxicated waters with your legs. You reach for more with both hands and pour them on your thighs. That sensation. Then you kind of wash both of your whole arms with the waters and now the temperatures are more friendly with your body. Or your body has chosen to accept and embrace. You pour more over your shoulder and your back freezes for a millisecond. You splash some on your chest and belly and your heart skips a beat. Gasp. You fit into your atmosphere and sometimes you force yourself. The waters might always be cold. Even in the sunny summers. So you can't keep postponing that maybe it will be warmer in the evening. You make a choice, you believe in yourself. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and I say, a swim of a thousand miles begins with a single dip in the waters. You get over the cold-fear you have in your mind and dip yourself in. You jump into the water and the territory becomes familiar. You do the things you know well with some confidence and ease. Experience. When you don't know what to do and how to do it well, it gets a bit confusing. So you learn all these things, you teach yourself how to swim. You learn how to stay afloat, how to move in the water (the most streamlined you can get, the better), how to hold your breathe, how to breathe, how to think and most importantly, how not to think. The problem with humans, is some of us overdo it when it comes to thinking. Or, underdo it. We overthink situations sometimes and create problems that never existed, we quarrel with others and shift blame throwing it around. So to get through the intoxicated waters, you have to not think sometimes and flow with the waters as they come. You don't worry about Pizza deliveries, the show you're yet to finish watching, the classes you missed today to swim and all the hue and cry. You just believe and in believing, you move unmoved; you swim undisturbed by nothing. You keep your eyes open in these waters or the uninvited will flow into your ears. You keep your eyes open, head above the water every once in a while and look behind your back occasionally as you move ahead. Awareness. Knowing where you are, why you're there, how to act there, how to be considerate, how to be respectful, even to yourself. You learn how to grow. The good thing is that, every time you keep trying, every time you'll get better. You never go wrong with trying unless you try too hard. That's how people drown. So you try enough to be one with the water, to move yourself in her with ease. You make the tides favour you. Don't you know that if you never ask the answer will always be "No"? Everyone's looking out for themselves and the people they care about notwithstanding your existence. So when you are available in their lives it's for a reason. Make everything better, everything easier. Be there for them in the way you are comfortable with and never harbour evil negative thoughts about a person in your head for whatever reason. You give them power over your thoughts and to be honest, that's your being. Don't be bitter. Also do not take advantage of anyone else. Never. The moment you feel like you almost are step back. Don't take people's kindness for granted. Appreciate and be grateful. It's other people who will teach you how to swim and swim well.Learn the basics, understand the concepts and you're good to go. Never forget where you're swimming from and where you are swimming to; it's in the distance that we know how far away from home we are. Don't ever be afraid to learn. No matter how old you are. If you think swimming would be a good try, and you have the time, fuck what they say and dive into your fantasies.

VIXI [Seventeen]

Croxt:

It has been 17 years since my father passed away. It was dismal. The August 7th bomb blast on the US Embassy in Nairobi took his life that fateful day. The memories fade and of course the times change but I guess the number 17 has always struck a chord inside me. It frightens me how sometimes. But then again it might have been because I was born on the 17th day of October. Trusting Wikipedia, the number holds many important significances in pure mathematics, as well as in applied sciences, law, music, religion, sports and other cultural phenomena. 17 has a meaning from the Bible too, I found out! It symbolizes "overcoming the enemy" and "complete victory." Now, I don't know if my father might have been a good man for I was too young to know the ways of men then, but he read his Bible. And he taught me how to read mine. And of course there's an energy people walk in that can never be forgotten. See, my mother had found in him a rock, a pillar, an indomitable tower to shelter in. So much until it was no more. It is the thing with fate; you never know when the power will cut. So you keep your candles close, for you may need to light your way through the darkness. That's why cars have headlights to lead them through the woes of the nighttime highways. And you can imagine them go off unannounced in the middle of a journey with a sudden bend right ahead the corner of the slope on the road you were driving on. You hold your breath and expect the worst hoping the driver was ready and is afraid for his life as much. Or endears it so. I am not as good with words as I would love to be, but I'm in love with even the little beautiful words of kindness people have for others. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all unless it needs to be said. The flowers remind you of our fragile lives and how easy it is to cease to exist. Once unplucked, we wither. Our bodies are drained all life from them. We become no more. Eyes still and body weak. Yet a good man is known by the impact he leaves on other people's hearts and thoughts and possibly actions. Hope. Why are you remorseful for the things you are remorseful for? Because of the attachment, the relationship, the investment, the benefits, the time, the growth, the love. All these things. They mix together sometimes and the larger the disbelief that this could be happening, the more we find ourselves in suffering. It hits close home. People will always be there when you need them and after a tragedy, they stay closer to comfort you. To help you pick up, to remind you that things will get better. Others stay close to see how far you'll go and how much you've been broken. So for those ones, rise and ride above the tides. We started carrying the burden by ourselves after a short time. Nothing was the same. You have to learn to pick up and keep driving even in darkness after you've stopped by the side to check on the lights and to catch your breath. Grateful that at least you survived. Saved to see a new day. People will always be nice but even the nicest people have their limits. So you become considerate. You don't tell everyone your problems because some might delight in your misfortunes. Help will always come if you seek it in the right ways and even if not enough, sometimes all we need is a little push to get the wheels rolling. I'm certain my family and I will forever be indebted to the ones who were there and we pray your blessings multiply a thousandfold. You wish well those who wish you well and you pray for those who wish evil upon you, that they might find the peace lacking in their hearts and anything else they might be looking for. For the ones gone, we miss them dearly. May their souls rest in peace. May they find solace in the fact that today we will choose to do and to be better.
17 sad songs from 17 long years for 17 dark days.

VIXI: I have lived, I have survived.

Lady Mockingbird

I have seen your patience,
and the beauty that tags along with it
oh, you who there's not much to.
But the voice in your belly!
Yes, you are cute,
yes, your image is striking.
But you are unseen in the camouflaging stems of the grey trees.
You are nonchalant but valiant
echoing through the winds of your environment.
You understand all, and you quip well behind the unsure.
You make them sound better.
You mock their bitter.
I'm honestly appalled by your duplications,
a split mirror reflecting what it's not.
But that's who you are,
so I've come to understand you.
I realized you mirror the good in everyone.
& I hope today you'll never stop.
Better yourself by bettering others,
make them feel special.
Not entitled, but special in their own way.
If they hesitate to accept you,
check yourself and be considerate.
If they make it hard for you to voice your consternations,
fly away and find another home beyond the eighty eight constellations.
beside the railroad tracks,
or by the runway at the airport,
or the corral, or by the silky waters of the stream a mile away
Or dive in deeper into the depths of the forest
and curve a niche out for yourself,
wherever you feel comfortable.
Let the skies know you speak for them all,
even for the silent.

But a man with intentions

Croxt:

I am just but a man with intentions. Each as every King is, has his own, some lead by circumstances. We plan, but in my faith, God allows. So the tiny specks of need in our veins and boiling blood, drives our will, our desire to get, our motive to intend. I'll pretend I know you and tell you why I think we are different. Until we figure out how we are not. But to be honest, my heart has its impurities but I have tried as much to clean it. I clean my thoughts and wash my words. I bleach them sometimes too if need be. Somethings should be spoken lightly about. The more we drown into conversations about the unimportant the less important our thoughts become. So you grow to love the fruits of silence in pursuit of more wisdom. You connect with yourself more because, trust me, you are your greatest teacher. Teach yourself the things of this world, know your way around most things. Want to know. Mostly, for yourself. Yearn to grow and you'll earn your bow. See, people are obsessed with things that don't even matter. They lose sleep even over the smallest non-issues. If your eyes are hugely concentrated on the smallest things, how will your attention be drawn to the larger things unless they start moving towards you, to pin you down? Let's make sense. Let's have intentions that are defined and well-thought. Seek guidance when you have to. You don't have to do this on your own. Own the night and owe nobody nothing. Hold no evil intention in your mind. Let go of anything that your spirit fights against. It's human to rebel but then again, it might stray you away. Don't get lost trying to seem smart. That's dumb. You are not special over anyone. Never think of yourself better than anyone. Let others speculate let them do their statistics. It's not yours to elevate yourself. Stay humble. Grow, but stay humble. Do good and expect no repay, that's how your heart sends thanksgiving above. You surrender your selfishness and the skies bless you a hundredfold. You just need to trust. Nowadays, times have changed. We all want to seem better. We are losing ourselves in a mayhem intending to prove a point. We waste time. Then again, never ever forget to have fun. Don't dull. Go out there and enjoy yourself. Start with the smallest moments with yourself. Amuse yourself. Let your friends know you're willing to make them smile. Be there for everyone, don't seclude yourself. We find meaning in these things. If it's to travel you wish to travel, grow your wings and fly. Let nobody tell you it can't be done. Tell me how, we have people who label things impossible yet have never had the courage to try. Don't listen to them. Climb the mountains you desire to climb. The higher you go, the "cooler" you become. Be a light. A role model. Teach only the good vibes because everyone already has their own tormenting them. Preach peace. Not indifference. Understanding and respect. You will learn to open the closed doors with a secret knock. The ones who find it, find the key to happiness.